The List

When I was in the LDS Young Womens program as a teenager, I'm pretty sure that I made a list of what I wanted in a future husband so that I could keep certain qualities in mind as I began to date and seek for that special someone to be with forever.

Now, I have begun mulling over a new list just in case I ever decide to seek for a new relationship in my life.  Here is what I have so far, in order of importance.

1.  Straight
2.  Completely and totally in favor of gay rights, including gay marriage, and okay with me being a gay-rights advocate.
3.  LDS would be good, or if not, LDS background with testimony, and if not, then Christian background with strong faith in God and Christ.
4.  Likes to cook.  Not sure I can live without this one.
5.  Good with kids.
6.  Likes yard work.
7.  Organized and motivated to keep things organized and working.
8.  Okay if he likes sports, but NOT a sports fanatic.
9.  Handy man with regards to computers and other household basics.
10. Good, stable employment, including benefits and retirement plan would be nice.

Hmm, I'm sure I could go on, but this is enough for now. I doubt this will be an easy search.

Is it inevitable?

The marriage chapter in "No More Goodbyes" makes it seem so.

A woman I work with that was married to a gay man (who was in the bishopric at the time he came out to her many years ago) seems to think so. They stayed together for another 5 years. (We are only at 18 months.) His boyfriend has now turned him against her and the (now grown) children.

Noah always recommends against marriage (to a woman) to other young gay Mormons. Why is that, when what we have seems to work so well...

After meeting other gay Mormon men, some married and divorced, others planning to divorce, another who after being married for 30 years has his wife's blessing to do anything he wants (pretty much) except to have sex with other men and be public about his gayness...Noah also wonders if it is inevitable, if that nagging to know what it would really be like will just get stronger and stronger, and that not exploring it will mean living for the next 50 or 60 years with accepting the fact that yearnings and desires will not be met, a constant nagging of "what if...".

Is this the path to divorce? Is it inevitable?

My greatest fear used to be earthquakes...

What am I afraid of, he wonders?

He wishes he hadn't even brought up the subject tonight, but I knew something was on his mind, and it might as well hurt now rather than later.

Can we set some new limits, he wonders? Can he let his guard down, seek friends that do not know me and love me and have an incredible desire to protect me and therefore keep themselves from getting close to him? And then, if he were to fall in love, can we cross that next bridge when it comes?

Why does the grass have to be greener? Why was I chosen for this experience...this refiners fire?

It came just the same!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

These are the words that started going through my head a few weeks ago when I read an article about gay couples. In a nutshell, it talks about how census data shows that gay couples are very similar to straight couples in income, home ownership, and even in raising children. The article mentioned how surprising it is that in Wyoming and Utah, where gay marriage (or even civil unions) are far from legal, there are a higher percentage of gay couples that live as though they are married that in other states.

Huh. So, gay marriage comes without a legal piece of paper, with churches and individuals fighting them on every side. Somehow or other it comes just the same. Maybe it means just a bit more than the tax benefits and such that come from marriage. Maybe it means more than just sex and selfishness. Maybe, perhaps, it means love and commitment and family.And maybe, just maybe, that could be a good thing for society.

Meanwhile, while organizations argue that we need to "save the children" from viewing this alternative type of family, wouldn't it be better for children to learn that families are different, and that Bobby who has two dads or two moms still has a family that is part of the community and deserves respect? Because regardless of whether or not gay marriage is ever legal here in Utah, the fact is that these "marriage-like" situations with families and children continue to exist, and will continue to do so. They are not going away.

Acceptance in Marriage

I am not easy to live with, especially when on "vacation" or at certain times of the month.

So, this summer when a friend accompanied us on our family road trip, he learned just how hard I really am to live with. One morning after Noah and I had a fight, I mentioned to this friend at breakfast (while Noah was away at the breakfast buffet), "I bet you are wondering why Noah has chosen to stay with me." (At this point it had been almost exactly a year since he told me that he is gay.)

He replied, "Yes, the thought has occurred to me."

The friend's open honesty was hard on me and made me start to question my marriage AGAIN. Why does my husband say that he cannot imagine life without me, and therefore stay instead of finding the man of his dreams?

I wish I had blogged about this sooner so that I could remember all of my thoughts and feelings a bit better, but I really struggled for a while with my feelings of worth and my fear of losing Noah at some point in the future.

Fortunately, communication has a great healing power. Noah and I talked about my struggles. He told me about how over our years of marriage he has learned to accept me for who I am, with my emotions and stress and outbursts and nagging and fits and moments of insanity. He has come to realize that much of it is inherited and learned from my upbringing, and that I do not mean to attack him personally when I freak out.

On our wedding day several years ago, he gave me the book "Believing Christ" by Stephen E. Robinson. From the moment we started dating 4 years before, he wanted nothing more than for me to be truly happy. But happiness is always something I have struggled with. While he was on his mission, I struggled with an anxiety disorder. He was hoping that I could find happiness through the Atonement, and that the book would help me to understand it better.

I remember moments of exasperation throughout our marriage when he just wanted me to be happy, but nothing seemed to change my disposition. I was always worrying about something. If it wasn't money (or rather lack thereof), then there was always something else.

But he has gradually come to an understanding of me, of how I thrive on stress. He has also recognized my efforts and successes in trying to be a happier person. But now, with the gay issue in our lives, it has become easier for him to accept me as I am. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have so fully accepted him for who he is. We have learned to see each other and love each other as God does. It is something that takes time and effort, and might seem impossible to younger adults, like our friend, that could not imagine how our marriage will ever survive.

But survive, it does. And not just survive, but thrive. It seems like it just keeps getting better.

I am so grateful for Noah, for his compassion and understanding and patience with me. He will truly earn some points in Heaven for loving me as he has, and I am so lucky to have him in my life.