The marriage chapter in "No More Goodbyes" makes it seem so.
A woman I work with that was married to a gay man (who was in the bishopric at the time he came out to her many years ago) seems to think so. They stayed together for another 5 years. (We are only at 18 months.) His boyfriend has now turned him against her and the (now grown) children.
Noah always recommends against marriage (to a woman) to other young gay Mormons. Why is that, when what we have seems to work so well...
After meeting other gay Mormon men, some married and divorced, others planning to divorce, another who after being married for 30 years has his wife's blessing to do anything he wants (pretty much) except to have sex with other men and be public about his gayness...Noah also wonders if it is inevitable, if that nagging to know what it would really be like will just get stronger and stronger, and that not exploring it will mean living for the next 50 or 60 years with accepting the fact that yearnings and desires will not be met, a constant nagging of "what if...".
Is this the path to divorce? Is it inevitable?
My greatest fear used to be earthquakes...
What am I afraid of, he wonders?
He wishes he hadn't even brought up the subject tonight, but I knew something was on his mind, and it might as well hurt now rather than later.
Can we set some new limits, he wonders? Can he let his guard down, seek friends that do not know me and love me and have an incredible desire to protect me and therefore keep themselves from getting close to him? And then, if he were to fall in love, can we cross that next bridge when it comes?
Why does the grass have to be greener? Why was I chosen for this experience...this refiners fire?
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8 comments:
I've had several of those exact same thoughts. Is it inevitable? Is that elusive green grass on the other side going to get the better of us one day?
One of our mutual friends emailed me a couple weeks ago. She said she had been to a MOM gathering through Northernlights, and she met a woman who has been married over 30 years to a gay man who she found out was gay since their first year of marriage. That gives me hope. It has been done before. It can be done again.
But what if one person in the couple (the husband, or wife, or both) think it is inevitable, then it probably is. Kind of like the "if you think you can, you're right; if you think you can't, you're right" quote. Don't ya think?
I'm not sure it's quite accurate to say that I believe it's inevitable... That's not quite what I was trying to say the other night.
More like, if it's inevitable (and I'm not sure it is) then I don't want to keep fighting for something we're going to lose anyway (and prolong the agony)--I'd rather find a way (together) to face the inevitable such that we can both be as happy as possible with the outcome.
Does that make sense? Does that make things any better? I hope so. I love you, and I hate that I've given you anything to worry about or that I've hurt you in any way.
My concern is that even if it is inevitable, our home is such a happy place most of the time that if we were to end things now, our son as well as ourselves would miss out on so many good experiences and memories together. Ending it sooner than later would leave me with eternal questions of what would have happened if we just toughed it out and stayed together. For me, I think our happy home far outweighs the mystery of splitting up now for the green grass on the other side. Perhaps down the road life with Chris could become unbearably difficult, and at that time, perhaps we could proceed with "the inevitable," but until then, I'd like to keep our little family in tact. Divorce is often so hard on the kids--it seems selfish to put ours through it when our home is such a happy place.
@The Wife--I agree. Finding "the best" solution would definitely mean finding the best solution for everyone, including the kids.
I'll be exploring this a bit more in my blog in the next little while, but I don't think it's as black-and-white a thing as "stay together or get divorced". A MOM is a unique entity to begin with, and we've already considered unique approaches to the unique challenges that we face. Perhaps there are unique ways to address this inevitability (if it is inevitable) as well?
If there's anything I've learned over the last year and a half, it's that there's no single "right" way of doing things that's going to work for everyone. I just want to find what's right for my family.
My marriage in a lot of ways has improved since my DH accepted that he was gay. (Its something I suspected since we were just dating and that I knew with decent certainty from our first year of marriage).
But what if one person in the couple (the husband, or wife, or both) think it is inevitable, then it probably is. Kind of like the "if you think you can, you're right; if you think you can't, you're right" quote. Don't ya think?
But, I also think Sarah has a very valid point here. While I don't think divorce is inevitable in a MOM, if one of the other partner sees it as "inevitable," then it probably is - like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
OHhh the agony of watching and comparing and wondering. You (and I) just CAN NOT do it! Husband said to me this morning- "even if EVERY SINGLE OTHER MOM in the universe implodes and we are the only ones left, we will still make it." Nobody's experience really has any effect on our own.
HOwever, it is so horribly disconcerting to watch others make choices that I fear.
I'm with you there. Had these same worries and wonders.I do think there is hope. Lots of hope! What it comes down to in the end, for me, is that we (both Chris and I) are in control of our marriage and our choices. I'm with marriedtoamoho; if everyone else implodes we're going to make it, damn it all!
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